Apply product, let soak, buff with ass

Wifin' it up in preparation for Pants' imminent return from training exercises, I sustained the world's stupidest injury, one of those unfortunate injuries made even more painful by how utterly ridiculous I know I must have looked sustaining it: I fell (hard) on my ass while mopping.

A little background here: we moved into our bizarre little franken-house last March, and were immediately charmed by its many anachronistic DIY home improvement projects. Our house, for instance, comes with a projector screen cunningly concealed in the fake wood paneling in the living room, thus transforming the space into a lovely theater for any snuff films you might have lying around. There's also a whole separate wing that was added on to the house circa 1975, when granulated linoleum and foam-paneled ceilings seemed like classy touches.

Unfortunately, we moved in after very dirty people, people whose sooty footprints and ancient meat sauces and furry coats of dust covered every surface. After five initial attempts, I gave up on returned the linoleum to its 1975 brightness, and instead used a large vibrantly colored rug to conceal most of the gray foot tracks. Last night, I discovered the miracle of Simple Green, a cleaning agent so powerful and effective it immediately began eating through the soles of my bare feet. Awesome!

So I coated the entire floor of the add-on wing with it, and then hurried back and forth, mop-mop-mopping the stubborn gray shadows away. Since I don't have a bucket, this meant I trotted back and forth to the kitchen sink to rinse the mop, dip in more solution, and recommence mopping. There are two tile steps from the kitchen down into the add-on wing. Can you see where this is going?

I had a new Buena Vista Social Club cd blaring from the stereo and was trying to sing along to the obscure sexual innuendos of ancient Cuban men when my left foot flew out from under me and I slammed backward into the steps, my ass landing hard on the linoleum and my elbow catching the second step. Luckily, the elbow kept my head from connecting with the step, where I can only imagine my head would have split open like a ripe cantelope.

I don't fall often, but when I do, it tends to be pretty spectacular. Last night was no exception. I laid on the floor and whimpered for a while until the dog came to check things out, decided I was OK, and then left. When I finally started to collect myself, I noticed a brilliant clean streak where my ass made contact with the floor. A silver lining!

So this morning I'm sore and grumpy, but my linoleum sparkles with the fire of a newly-minted nickel. Pants better be impressed.