Baltic Penis Cookies

As I grow more frolicsome and less resentful in the kitchen, I've come across some great "learning experience" recipes. These were recipes that originally sounded delicious and not so challenging and ended up either jeopardizing my physical safety or resembling surgical leftovers. A few examples:

New Orleans Lasagne
Prepared the same as regular lasagne, but submerged in a soup of water that I neglected to drain off of the canned tomatoes. Conveniently refuses to maintain structural integrity from dish to plate.

Low-on-Prozac Chicken
A burned unholy mess left untended in the oven while I cried. Sobs increased upon discovery.

Boozy Lady Fingers
Small sausages wrapped in ready-made croissant dough, dipped in hot mustard, and consumed with much beer. Delicious!--until the last batch, where the beer catches up with me and I horrifically burn four fingers by not using the oven mitt.

Noodle Water
Pretty much just some fucking water. Noodles were supposed to be added, but evidently something fell under the burner and into the drip pan and caught fire, filling the kitchen with acrid smoke and setting off the fire alarm. Repeatedly. Interesting tableau as I balance the tasks of waving a towel under the shrieking alarm and trying to extinguish the tiny fire under the burner, while adding the noodles anyway because hey, the damned water's boiling-- I'm not starting over.

Baltic Penis Cookies
After a long winning streak in the kitchen (read: edible food, no emergency room trips) I got cocky and decide that delicate cookie-cutter Christmas cookies were in order. Unfortunately, I hadn't brushed up on my eyelid surgery skills and was thus totally unprepared for the uncooperative dough. Stars and snowmen and Christmas trees soon turned to Baltic states which soon turned to penises. Penises are remarkably easy to fashion, and can even be made quite festive with a few raisins and some cinnamon sugar. By the time it occurred to me to make a few yuletide vulvas, I was out of dough, so that will have to wait.